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Sunday, February 05, 2006

Psyched for the impossible

As Toddler in Chief gets bigger, more verbal, and independent, I fantasize about gaining a bit of my old life back. My photography-loving, hiking, can't-sit-home-for-a-minute, want-to-get-an-advanced-degree me. I start looking at university web sites, figuring out deadlines for admissions and start wondering how I'm going to get all those essays and recommendations from former professors who haven't heard from me in 10 years in by the deadline. I get excited about the thought of being on a college campus, surrounded by the enthusiasm of young students who haven't been jaded by real-world corporate BS just yet.

And then I realize I'm almost 20-weeks pregnant.

I can't help but wonder if my enthusiasm is heightened by the unconscious realization that can't realistically go back to school right now. There's no way I can be in school in the fall (not to mention that the deadlines for admissions have already passed). I'll have a tiny baby and I'll be nursing round the clock and totally exhausted. I'll have two kids needing my attention and twice the laundry to prove it. So I scale by my ambitions. I thumb through our town's continuing education catalog and pick out photography, Spanish, cooking and pre-natal yoga classes that I'd like to sign up for. I get excited about getting out the house to do something just for me, without any kids in tow (except for that little creature doing summersaults in my belly). And I get almost euphoric as I realize that the classes are starting this week!

And then I realize that TIC is going into the hospital in just a couple of weeks, which means I'll miss a month of class, maybe longer.

I can't help but wonder if I get excited about doing stuff for myself only when it isn't possible. I get excited about stuff that I know that I'll never actually do. At least not for a bunch of years. How pathetic is that?

5 comments:

  1. Take a deep breath and remember that smiling face of TIC. See him right now? Yep, that is why you won't be able to do all the *fun stuff* for a few years.

    And hey, I hear the second time around is WAY easier. And in your case, let's hope the medical conditions are less. It will save you the stress, and allow you to feel that little bit more like yourself sooner. :-)

    My thoughts are with you and your family next week... give that little tyke hugs from me!

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  2. watch out girl...going from 1 to 2 is crazy!!....i didn't turn a corner with it all till about 6 weeks, then at 3 months i felt human again. and now with them almost 4 and 2(they are 23 months apart), i can see the "me-time" approaching as far as misc.classes, exercise, etc...for now, a pedicure or a grocery shopping trip alone qualifies enough....good luck!

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  3. Hehe, I had to laugh how the two previous comments contradicted one another. I think you'll do fine. It sounds like TIC has a pretty good routine going so the second baby will fit in just fine. I just had to get used to doing that morning nap again, which sort of put a damper on our outings. And of course, the night feedings and sleeplessness. BUT the second time around you know that is temporary. You probably won't have as much "me time" for a while, but you do get more creative as far as figuring that out.

    I always get excited over future prospects - career possibilities, classes, hobbies, my figure. Sometimes I have to keep these things in mind so that I don't feel like I'm in limbo. If all else fails, I just rearrange the furniture - anything to break the monotony. Although with 2 kids, there is rarely a boring moment. You will go from trying to find fun things to do, to trying to find the time to do it all.

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  4. Hey!!! take that class, why don't you? it starts this week! this is the time to start. so if you can't go for a month, at least you will have gone this week!!! :-)

    i love you, Suzanne! i think you are one hot mama.

    now, i've got to figure out how i get go out on a friday or saturday night and meet some hot young men! life sure does change with a youngen around.

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  5. Life IS weird that way - getting motivated for things, just when it seems like the timing is wrong. I don't know why it is that way. But you just try to get through one day at a time and maybe the timing changes a bit and you realize you can do some of it, if not all of it just yet.

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