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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Are you in there, sweet boy?

Can you hear the way I hold my voice steady when I speak to you? Can you hear the way I muffle the sobs when I say I love you? Can you hear me choke on my words when I talk about what we will do when you come home? Can you feel my fingertips on your arm? Do you notice when I put a cushion under your wrist?

Are you in there, sweet boy? I look into your gel covered eyes only half closed from sedation. They ooze and are swollen from fluid flooding your skin like a balloon overfilled at the tap next to the trampoline in our yard. I push my fingers through your grubby hair and imagine that you will open those lids to see me looking at you.

We told him the surgery would make him better.

My sweet boy, I have wondered if you can hear me under the tape, under the anesthesia. My sweet boy, I have wondered what you’re thinking as you are poked and cut and pressed on by the ultrasound technician. My sweet boy, I have poured love over you with every breath as you lie motionless on that hospital mattress. Even as you lie motionless, I feel your love and memories of your smiles flood me. Memories of your laugh help me inhale. My sweet boy, how I have loved you every day that you have shined your light in my life. Every day since April 2, 2003.

I have to believe that you are still dreaming of days without medicine, of flying on airplanes without oxygen, of climbing to mountain tops with energy. My sweet boy, my sweet boy. 

16 comments:

  1. Anonymous4:55 PM

    Have been distraught for you and Riley all day. I wish I were there to give you a hug. <3

    xoxoxo
    Babs

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  2. I don't know you guys but I am so sorry and sad. I pray the healing inside your precious boy reveals itself so that he can come back to you.
    Peace love and light
    Namaste
    Steven

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  3. Anonymous5:53 PM

    I don't know you but just read your story via Facebook. I am a San Carlos mom of two and my heart is heavy knowing you are going through this. You are an amazing, loving mom. He is lucky to have you buy his side. My heart is with you and your family.

    Julie L.

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  5. Your love and voice and touch are the best soulful medicine ... soothing and comforting to sweet Riley, now as in the past.. I am holding you in my heart and sending breath and love

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  6. I pray he hears you and responds soon.

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  7. We have had a candle lit today for you and Riley

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  8. Anonymous10:49 PM

    Praying for our Lord 's comfort and peace during this time of trial .nurse Sophia .

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  9. I have followed your blog and Riley's on and off for years even before I had my own sweet heart baby. I found you through Andrea H. I have shared Riley's blog with my heart moms in central Ohio. Please know we are all praying and pleading for you and Riley. I wish there were words to provide you comfort and strength even for a moment. Please know there are so many people praying for your sweet boy.

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  10. Anonymous6:26 AM

    May you find the strength to go through this! Hugs from another mom!

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  11. Kathy Zucker8:15 AM

    Hugs to you and your family as you go through this difficult time. Praying for all of you.

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  12. Anonymous11:03 AM

    Namaste

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  13. We are praying for you all- rooting for your miraculous, triumphant return- begging for peace. <3

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  14. I can't imagine what this week has been like for you. It's all so unfair. I pray Riley stays strong and that all the love and prayers wash over him and help him come back to you.

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  15. Anonymous8:23 AM

    Praying for a miracle! Stay strong mom.

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  16. Anonymous9:27 PM

    Praying for both of you and holding your whole family in love

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