AddThis script

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Getting censored

Writing is such a personal, almost private, thing. It's almost like talking to my therapist. I'm alone and I'm sharing deeply personal and intimate stuff. There have been many occasions where I have thought that I better not type that (like here, here, here, and here. What will my husband/mother/father/mother-in-law/father-in-law/editor think of me if they read that?

When they see those words and I reveal that about me, what will they think? Am I going to regret saying that out loud? Is my husband going to feel like I'm blaming him for something? Is my editor not going to hire me for another story? Will my in-laws think I'm unsavory? I need to censor my thoughts.

So far I have not succumbed to that urge. I've come close and have hesitated on certain words, phrases, topics. Hopefully those hesitations will come out soon enough. But it's scary to put yourself out there, to reveal an inner part of yourself that most people--yet alone strangers--do not know about you. It's stuff that is sometimes hard to say to friends, to admit to myself. That's probably the hardest part--being honest with myself about how I feel about some stuff.

- I hate working on other people's terms.
- I sometimes don't like being a parent.
- Sometimes I wish I wasn't a parent.
- Sometimes I wish I worked full-time, so that I wasn't a parent all the time.
- Sometimes I wish I wasn't married.
- Sometimes I wish I was 20 all over again, completely unattached.
- I probably just need to get laid more often.
- Maybe I just like having something to complain about.

Writing about finding a balance between work and career really is about finding a satisfying life. It's about finding a balance between marriage, parenthood, free time, alone time, family time, time for intimacy with my spouse. It's about being able to live with myself, my family, my conscience. And maybe writing about it, and not censoring my thoughts, forces me to be honest with myself and what I need. And that is the hardest part of all.

5 comments:

  1. Again, you hit the nail on the head with this entry. I can relate on every level.

    Though you are ahead of me on the honesty part. I do *censor* my public blog... someday maybe I will let that go. But, I just don't want the suffering from having it all out there yet. Baby steps, and I'll eventually let it go, but for now- I have the public blog and then my private journal. At least I say it somewhere right?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bethany-- As long as you are being honest with yourself (publicly or privately), that's the main thing. This is just my venue. For me, I like to think that putting it out there helps others feel just a little connected and not so bad for feeling the same thing. So I take a deep breath and hit "publish."

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had to let out a big breath after reading this entry. I completely admire you for hitting the publish button!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous9:40 PM

    This is my first time here. I feel the same way. I found out that my dad reads my blog. Now I think "Oh, I shouldn't use that word" or "I can't say this because my dad doesn't know this part of me." I hate that. Someday I hope to get over that.

    By the way, you're not the only mom who sometimes doesn't like being a parent or sometimes wishes you weren't married. You're just one of the few who are honest about it.

    Heatheranne
    http://heather-anne.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for this post, Suzanne.

    Ann D

    ReplyDelete