Alrightly then. So it seems that I've miraculously snagged the perfect part-time gig ever, spewing my lovely opinion on lots of enthralling parenting topics. It's perfect. I love it. I feel extremely fortunate.
That said, something is still missing from my desire to work. And the only thing I can guess is that I miss grown-up banter in the kitchen and near the water-cooler. I miss work friends. I miss lunches. I miss complaining about co-workers. I miss getting dressed up in little outfits and matching my lipstick to my outfit. I even miss my bus ride into the city, while scanning the latest headlines. Last time I actually commuted to work, I was living north of the Golden Gate Bridge. And every morning, when we descended towards the Bridge, I would stop reading the paper and look out at the city and the fog and the view. Breathtaking. Every. Single. Day. I don't think many people--or any people besides me--ever looked up to take it all in.
So the view, the banter, the child-free lunches. What else is there? Collaboration. Ah, working with a team of creative people to come up with great ideas and actually bring them to life. It was fun and felt important, even though much of it was not.
Then there were the extravagant holiday parties. Father in Chief works for a start-up this year, so we won't be seeing Earth, Wind & Fire with the rest of the Yahoos. Then again, last year when FIC was still employed by Yahoo, we skipped the holiday party and missed out on my all-time favorite 80s cover band Notorious.
Mostly, I just wonder why I'm still tormented by this nagging feeling that I'm not complete. I have work. I have child. I have fabulous husband. I have friends. I have no dogs. And yet, something is still missing. Even though I'm filling in the pieces that I thought needed filling.
What I miss the most about working, is the freedom to just be me all day and take care of all the tasks I was taught to take care of- the things I studied in school and have a clear competency in.
ReplyDeleteNow I spend my days doing work that is far more rewarding and important- in the long run. In the here and now, the work is very hard and frustrating at times, because it bears no fruit on a daily basis. But in the long run, there is nothing better or more rewarding than bringing up a family. I think what you are missing is time to yourself ... all to yourself for a while. And I imagine you are missing the camaraderie and companionship of the watercooler.
Schedule a regular chat session for moms who blog? That'd be fun, I'd join.
ReplyDeleteDeep in every person is a soul-hunger that longs to be satisfied. One can have money, a great job, great husband, marriage, kids and still long for an illusive something. I believe that longing is only satisfied by a dynamic relationship with God. It's not just about having faith or believing in God. It's knowing Him and gaining His perspective on life. I find it interesting that St. Paul talked about "learning to be content" whether he was rich or poor. (Philippians 4:11&12) So even for people who connect with God, there is still a learning how to let Him satisfy one's heart.
ReplyDeleteMy advice . . . talk to God about it! Tell Him where you're at and what you feel. Then ask Him to give you understanding.
I think a lot of it is probably just what you said. You miss having co-workers, similarly situated people to whom you can relate, chat, and commiserate. And it could be a bit of what Bethany says as well. But maybe you just have very high expectations for yourself. Cut yourself some slack; you're great! :^)
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