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Sunday, June 15, 2008

I never thought I would be this person

I'm tired of making the same snacks.
I'm tired of wiping up the same spills.
I'm tired of hanging up the same clothes.
I'm tired of washing the same diapers.

I'm just tired.

I'm tired of the bickering.
I'm tired of tripping over the same toys.
I'm tired of brushing other people's teeth.
I'm tired of wiping other people's butts.

I probably should be fired.

I'm tired of the monotony.
I'm tired of the no-end-in-sight.
I'm tired of the screaming.
I'm tired of hating my kids.

Isn't nurturing supposed to be hard-wired?

I can't remember why I craved this role.
I can't remember why that other life took such a toll.
I can't remember the last time they made me smile.
I hate that this life, this choice does not seem worth while.


  1. Anonymous8:40 PM

    I've had those days.

  2. Sweetie - I have these days all the time. This week - for example - our power was out for several days and the heat and humidity was so bad - all my fish died in my fancy expensive tank, school was closed and my lovely husband was out of town. So - three kids, by myself, no electricity, and 55 gallons of stinky dead things. Good times.

  3. I'm sorry I've had bad days terrible days but I could never imaging saying that I hate my kid or that It's not worth while If your feeling that way and have been for awhile you might need to seek help

  4. Suzanne,

    I've been reading your blog for a little while now. I really enjoy your writing.

    You sound overwhelmed.
    Please know that the diapers, the toys, the nose & butt wiping and all of the other things that go along with the awesome responsibility of taking care of the pre-school set, it will end.
    Then, there will be a million other little things that will drive you crazy, make you question your sanity and feel guilty about.
    And so it goes; elementary, middle school, jr. high,etc...
    And during those times, beautiful, touching, wonderful moments will happen - unexpected little things that will affirm all of your hard work and sacrifices.
    Don't miss them Suzanne. There is so much magic in the ordinary and w when you're overwhelmed, you often miss it.

    Your a smart, well-educated woman, and you are, no doubt, for all that you've been through with PIC, much stronger than you know.
    Talk to someone who can help you. Do not waste precious time persecuting yourself this way Suzanne...


  5. This is sooooooo true!!! This has become my life also....Ugh :(
    It seem like I'm just hanging on until they move out one day.

  6. hi Suzanne! I have also been reading your blog for a while. It sounds like you need a break- and I know a 2 hour break sometimes isn't enough. Can you go away for a weekend or so with some girlfriends while your husband is with the kids? I wish I could do that but most of my friends are too happy in their lives to think about taking a break. I have felt like you have many times- and I thank you for having the courage to put it in writing, for everyone to see. It's not a pretty side of motherhood but it's reality. At least for some of us who some days, feel exactly what you wrote. Take care of yourself, that's so important.

    La Petite Belle

  7. Whew! What a pity party! Get over yourself and start embracing your role as a mother. Yes, we all have difficult and boring days. Parethood is very difficult. But you sure sound like you need to speak to someone. Your beautiful children deserve a mother who is not full of resentment so get off your butt and get to work. Perhaps a littl gratitude will help: think about thanking your lucky stars that you have a husband who is successful, that you have girlfriends who you can go out dancing with, that you have extended family on all sides who support you and help you w Riley's sad medical crisis', that you are loved and able to have children. There are so many lonely people out there who don't have a fraction of what you have so end this pity party for the sake of your sweet kids.

  8. Hi Suzanne, Cyd here, I know you IRL. I come by from time to time--this time, hoping you are OK.

    Do you ever go to Lots of moms write in when they're at the end of their ropes (about various things, sleep, developmental issues, tantrums, just the drudgery), and the community is really helpful and non-judgmental. I hang out there a lot.

    This does sound like more than a rough day--I know how punishing anxiety can be, I've been through it. Please go easy on yourself if you can, and take all kinds of care. I'll be thinking of you.

  9. Don't worry Suzanne, we've all had those periods. And they do get better, it really does get easier. I'm a big believer in outsourcing that which can be outsourced. We used Tiny Tots diaper service, lifesaver. Just keep doing the things that make you feel sane - reading, writing, dancing and do them daily or weekly at least. And eventually the light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel will get a bit brighter and a little bigger. -B.

  10. Hi Suzanne,

    I've been reading your blog for some time now - since I ran into your husband's blog and learned that we have a lot of commonalities - both Product Managers with children with heart defects. He wrote an interesting blog entry which caught my attention about hiring product managers... I also sent a small pressie to PIC when he was last hospitalised.

    Suzanne, I may be wrong, but when I read this last entry, I read a cry for help. I'm writing to reach out and help you. Please know that a lot of people care about you and want to see you get over this dark moment. Reach out and grab this lifeline. Let people in your life pull you up and bring you safely to shore.

    Big hugs,

  11. Being a parent is hard work, it does get tiring!

    It's o.k. to feel that way, we are parents, not saints.

    Hang in there.

  12. Lord knows I've had rough days as a stay-at-home-mom of two, but reading your entry was very disturbing. Like another reader posted, i could never imagine feeling as though I "hated" my children, even in my deepest thoughts to myself. Please get help!

  13. Anonymous8:46 PM

    I wish folks wouldn't judge. I suppose that's the problem with blogging - in making the most honest posts (even if its just how you feel at your lowest moment) you set it out there for any crazy "happydog" to get on their soapbox. It takes someone strong to admit that they feel this way rather then internalize it. Its a big step admitting to yourself you have these thoughts. The next step is working towards finding a better balance. You can move beyond this, and you will. And before you know it you'll be having those days again when you snuggle with your guys, kiss their forehead and whisper "I love you." You are beautiful, intelligent, strong, caring, kind and amazing. Wonderful traits in a mother, and wonderful traits in a friend.

  14. this is an awesome post.

    we all have those days, i know i've had them, and these feelings do abate, but that poem captured perfectly the despair of unrelented giving.

    you need a break. take it, enjoy it, get your legs back.

  15. Suzanne:
    I've been reading your blog for a long time and have not yet left a comment.
    Please don't let someone's negative comments keep you from being courageous, honest, and articulate about the draining demands of motherhood. And the joys and everything in between.

    Keep speaking your truth.

    You're a wonderful, talented writer. I hope you will continue to seek outlets for your writing and publishing.

    I work a demanding, full-time job and I have two small kids. My husband has a part-time career. I have my own challenges and frustrations, although they aren't the same as yours, they are real and they are uniquely mine and I have a right to air them, just like you do.

    Keep speaking your truth!


  16. i agree with jen that you should be able to express yourself honestly here. to those mothers that wrote that they would never say they hate their kids, i say "you lie like a rug! and don't judge others just because they are brave enough to be honest and you are not!"
    in my not so humble opinion you are an amazing person & mother

  17. This is my first time to this site and I found this very disturbing. I had two premature babies that died early in their life. If you ever felt the emptiness of not being able to hold your children in your arms, or holding your baby while he's dying in your might appreciate what you have a little more. These are small children depending on you and you chose to take on that responsibility. I have friends wanting to adopt, maybe you want to consider giving them up. I would never say I hated my children and every day with my living children is a precious gift. My oldest is 22 and my youngest is 7 months. I certainly hope I am misunderstanding this post. I feel so sorry for the child/children of this person. I hope they never see what has been written here.