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Sunday, April 02, 2017

Grief and 14 years

First day of kindergarten
At 11:20 pm, 14 years ago, Riley was born. He lived for 11-and-a-half years. And now he will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER not be dead.

All day, I've been wanting to disappear. But where would I go? There is no place on this earth that would feel less miserable. There is no better place because Riley is nowhere. Yes, he's in my heart, but there is no physical place I can visit him, hug him, talk to him. I miss talking with him. How I long for the Mirror of Erised.

It feels impossible to describe the hole inside of me, the massive heartache and longing for my boy who I will never get to be with again, at least in this lifetime. The forever of death is so painful and impossible. And relentless.


  1. I'm so sorry. It's awful that Riley isn't here.

    1. It is awful. Thank you for acknowledging it with me.

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  3. That is so sad. So sorry for the loss. I know sometimes some people/things will always be forever be in our hearts. I too experience such heartbreak. It's been year-half and I miss my Snow so much.