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Tuesday, July 08, 2008

A little more for me

Perhaps sometimes you must crash into the rocks before you realize that you have been falling.

With small kids in the picture, it is easy to groove away from the lifestyle that includes spontaneous adventures, occasional pampering, lounging uninterrupted on the couch with a book, and extra longs weekend naps for grown-ups, and groove into one that fails to stop, reboot, and recharge.

That is exactly what had been happening to me. It happened in slow motion. That is why I didn't realize it was happening at all. That was, until the cold sharp corners of despair and uncertainty started to eat away at my stomach lining and made my brain race with the power of a centrifuge, whipping from one thought to the next. When I was no longer able to eat or sleep, then and only then did I start to acknowledging that something was wrong. What I have learned is that I have been sorely neglected.

Yes, yes, parenting involves lots of sacrifices. I know all about that.

But if I am not a healthy, thriving person, everyone loses. Therefore, in an attempt to salvage myself and my well-being, I'm starting off with the promise to do more stuff just for me. I'm hiring more babysitters, going on more adventures, and NOT apologizing for doing it. A recent example include a fabulous show at the Berkeley Theatre (which I'd never been to) to see Thievery Corporation (a band I'd never heard of). Tomorrow, I'm hiking over the Santa Cruz mountains to town of Capitola--just to see some live music near the beach and because I've never been there. I don't need a special occasion to enjoy these things. I was also inspired by some dancers in the Fourth of July parade, and I decided to sign myself up for some bellydance lessons. I used to love those classes, and I'm sure I'll love them again.

I deserve a lot from this life, much more than I've allowed myself to take. And there is no time like the present to start living more, enjoying more, and taking advantage of all the opportunities around me. As for my kids, they're going to be just fine. There are a lot of great people looking out for them and loving them. That includes me, but I don't have to bear the bulk of that responsibility all of the time.


  1. I hear you on this one. And, good for you for having the courage to let go to take care of yourself. You're right, if you're not healthy, that will do no one any good. I hope you'll have fun on your mini adventures!

  2. amen sister! do it all! you deserve it. life is what you make it and being a mom should not mean having to choose between happiness and servitude.
    i also really wanted to thank the commenter who reminded us about andrea yates. i bet she NEVER said she hated her kids...

  3. ... and your family will appreciate being with someone who's happier with themselves. :-) much love to you!