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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Permission granted!

Okay, so I'm alive again and I feel ready to write and to live and to just be. It's been months since I have felt this way and I wasn't sure if I ever would again after my son's long and difficult hospitalization earlier this year. My life had temporarily ended and I wasn't sure it would ever begin again.

But it has. I'm smiley. I'm cheerful. I'm happy to have my life back.

For a long time, I didn't think I was capable of writing anymore. I didn't think it was worthy of my efforts because it wasn't as profound as the experiences we'd had in the hospital. It didn't seem that I should allow myself the joy of writing because I didn't think I deserved to be happy, to have joy, to laugh, to live for anything other than my son.

Then my son started getting stronger and healthier, and had become his cheerful, car-obsessed self. And that was a relief. And then I had another son. Having a healthy baby is a totally different experience. I don't worry when he cries. I don't fret about every sound and wonder if every moment is our last. I marvel as his body without scars and think how strange it looks--so clean, so smooth, so uniform in color, so free of pain.

It's as if I have permission to continue living. So I've taken the liberty of writing about some very un-profound things--preschool, post-pregnacy clothing. Because I can.

3 comments:

  1. Mike Carrato7:46 PM

    Welcome back, MIC! It gives me great pleasure to learn that things are going so well with you and TIC and BIC. This is the realization of everything we all hoped and prayed for during those dark days of March and April...

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  2. maria7:02 AM

    Congratulations - you've earned the joy and happiness. The best gift you can give your heart kid is to live a normal life. It's funny - w/my own HLHS kid who's had a smooth road - people comment on what we've been through. I know - from people we've met at CHOP and through the many blogs and heart kids I've followed - that we've had it easy and so many don't. Welcome back -

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  3. Be well! Be happy! That is what life is meant to be lived like. And yes, babies and children do have profound ways to make you live happier. Esp. when they are obsessed with cars. And crying for a bit of attention. :-)

    SO glad to have you back!

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