Mother in Chief

Many of the women I know have kids starting kindergarten next week. It seems that most of them are feeling quite sad about this milestone because it officially means that their babies are growing up. But just as I was not sad when my kid started preschool, I'm not the tiniest bit sad about kindergarten.

Yes, I'm looking forward to a five-day-a-week break, but mostly I think I'm excited about school--and not sad--because I wasn't sure if my kid would ever make it to kindergarten. He isn't in the hospital. He can walk and talk. He can do math and read. And as of today, he can ride a bike without training wheels. Sure he gets tired more easily than other kids, but for the most part, he will blend right in. For me, it's a relief. We made it this far.

I recently found a box of love notes in my mother's attic that I saved from junior high school and high school. They are jewels from my past. I love that many of them are folded in the proper way that notes should be folded before being shoved into the slots of a metal locker. Kids today have texting. They have MySpace. They have the instant messaging. But there is no paper trail. There is nothing to happen upon 15 or 20 years later. I will be posting these notes here from time to time. I will even include the typos. Without further adieu:

Dear Suzanne,

How are you? I'm fine. I have some bad news and some good news. I now you like me alot - But I do not like you as much as you like me. You are very nice and pretty but I just do not want to go out with you. I wrote this note not to be mean or anything. I just wrote it to tell you that I do not like you. First maybe we should get to know me and get to know you before I ask you to go out with me or if you ask me. I am trying not to hurt your feelings but maybe later in the year I will no more about you. I hope we will be really really really really good good friends. I do not no what to say because I think I tolled you what I had to say. I now you are going to ask me why I do not want to go out with you.

Your Good Good Good Friend Greg S...
Bye!
P.S. I am sorry

Greg and I did not become "really really really good good friends." If anything, after this rejection letter, I'm sure I avoided him at all costs.

Score
Love: 0
Heartbreak: 1

Given that my husband works at Google, I have been sitting on the New York Times piece from July 5, called, On Day Care, Google Makes a Rare fumble. My mind has been stewing over how even fewer employees will have access to the new in-house childcare and how only the richest of the rich will be able to afford to send their kids to the elite program which will cost upwards of $57,000 per year for two kids, according to the NY Times article.

When Father in Chief started at Google almost two years ago, I was excited to know that there was an in-house childcare program, even if it did have a long waiting list. If it was run by Google or even if it was Google-approved (as its program was), then it had to be worth waiting for. In the meantime, we searched out alternate programs run by the same company called Children's Creative Learning Center. Preschooler in Chief has been in the CCLC system for about a year and a half and we have been completely impressed with the teachers, the facilities, and the overall experience. It seems to be a top-notch program and we feel fortunate to have found it.

But now that Google is moving away from CCLC to its own privately run school following the "preschool philosophy called Reggio Emilia," according the article, I believe that Google has done a huge disservice to its employees. Moreover, it has done a huge disservice to Silicon Valley, and to corporate America in general. Why? Because at a time when every company wants to be more like Google, Google could have come up with a comprehensive plan that would have demonstrated that affordable, quality childcare can be provided to all employees. They could have done it. They could have shown the world that it was not only possible, but worth doing. It would have been the ultimate way to contribute to the greater good. To value all employees at all income levels.

Yes, the food perks are great. The bikes are great. The solar power is great. The cookies at 3pm are great. But more than all of that, employees need a safe place to put their kids during the day so that they can work.

No it isn't Google's responsibility to provide me or anyone else with solid, affordable childcare, but they could have done it. And that is what makes me the saddest. Because deep down I have always believed that Google really does care about its employees. It really does want to do the right thing. It really does want to set an example for the rest of the world that this is how things should be done and can be done. But I guess I've just been drinking too much of the organic, in-house cool-aide.

When you are on the dance floor, do not squat so that your booty is a few inches from the floor and then bounce up and down with your knees out in a 90-degree angle. You do not look like sexy kitten. You simply look like a frog. Not. A. Good. Look. I'm not against all squatting dance moves, just those reminiscent of Frogger.

And while we're on the topic, do not let your dance partner pick you up and carry you around while he bounces up and down. Horrifying.

Let's dance with a little dignity, people. Thank you for your attention in this important matter.

Perhaps sometimes you must crash into the rocks before you realize that you have been falling.

With small kids in the picture, it is easy to groove away from the lifestyle that includes spontaneous adventures, occasional pampering, lounging uninterrupted on the couch with a book, and extra longs weekend naps for grown-ups, and groove into one that fails to stop, reboot, and recharge.

That is exactly what had been happening to me. It happened in slow motion. That is why I didn't realize it was happening at all. That was, until the cold sharp corners of despair and uncertainty started to eat away at my stomach lining and made my brain race with the power of a centrifuge, whipping from one thought to the next. When I was no longer able to eat or sleep, then and only then did I start to acknowledging that something was wrong. What I have learned is that I have been sorely neglected.

Yes, yes, parenting involves lots of sacrifices. I know all about that.

But if I am not a healthy, thriving person, everyone loses. Therefore, in an attempt to salvage myself and my well-being, I'm starting off with the promise to do more stuff just for me. I'm hiring more babysitters, going on more adventures, and NOT apologizing for doing it. A recent example include a fabulous show at the Berkeley Theatre (which I'd never been to) to see Thievery Corporation (a band I'd never heard of). Tomorrow, I'm hiking over the Santa Cruz mountains to town of Capitola--just to see some live music near the beach and because I've never been there. I don't need a special occasion to enjoy these things. I was also inspired by some dancers in the Fourth of July parade, and I decided to sign myself up for some bellydance lessons. I used to love those classes, and I'm sure I'll love them again.

I deserve a lot from this life, much more than I've allowed myself to take. And there is no time like the present to start living more, enjoying more, and taking advantage of all the opportunities around me. As for my kids, they're going to be just fine. There are a lot of great people looking out for them and loving them. That includes me, but I don't have to bear the bulk of that responsibility all of the time.

To conquer the day, I decided to try and tap into some super human powers that just might be harnessed in the simple threads of thrift short tee shirt.

While I fully acknowledge that my attitude recently has been less than super, today I'm going the route of dressing for the job I want, not necessarily of the job I have. Or at the very least, I'm striving for the attitude I want.

Is it worse to a) have the occasional poo left in your front lawn by an irresponsible dog owner, or b) have your yard fouled every single day with a picture of a dog pooing in your yard?

While I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to the above question, I cannot help but wonder if the homeowner went out of her way to seek a sign like this to post in her yard, or if it was just a serendipitous find she just had to have.

It's a rare moment when everyone in my family is happy simultaneously. So it seemed a little off to flaunt that picture of me with two smiling babes at my side. As a result--in case you didn't notice--I swapped that photo out for something a little more realistic.

Thanks for writing. I always appreciate insightful comments and criticisms from people who comment on my blog. The open communication is part of what makes blogging so enjoyable. It's the anonymous people who offer up criticisms that I find irritating.

I typically ignore people like you, but since you brought up some emotionally-charged fodder, I had to reply. So let me break things down:

• Pity Party...
  

I'm entitled to a pity party anytime I like. That is one of my rights as the mom of two young kids, who--like most kids--have the ability to be naughty. Just today, for example, Preschooler in Chief thought it would be a good idea to saturate the family room with the hose. It was hot out, so I can see why he thought it might be a good idea to cool things down in the house. But in actuality, it was a bad idea. Soggy books, drenched toys, and a wet wool carpet contribute to the overwhelmed feelings that I wrote about Sunday, which in turn, prompted your comment.

It is my kids' jobs to push the envelope as they learn boundaries and figure out how they fit into our family and our society. And, yes, it my job to reel them in and help them understand right from wrong in a loving and supportive environment. I can love my kids and hate my kids at the same time. It's mommy multi-tasking. It's a complexity of the human condition. And, by the way, it's totally normal.

• A Little Gratitude...
  

Your lame suggestion that perhaps I need a little gratitude shouts that you know nothing about me. While I am currently frustrated and tired with the mundane parts of parenting, I'm filled with gratitude. If you've read much of my blog you would have found countless posts that acknowledge my generous husband, our supportive family, and our network of amazing friends. You would have found posts that find humor in my kids' quirky behaviors. You would have found forgiveness and glimmers of goodness squeezed between hospitalizations and medical drama.

• Thanking My Lucky Stars...
  

I, more than anyone, know all about my son's medical condition and how lucky and appreciative and thankful I am for the technology, the surgeons, the friends, family and medical staffers that have helped my family through hours, days, weeks, and months of being in the hospital and being surrounded by the possibility of death. I, more than anyone, know all about being grateful that my kid is alive. That my kid has been out of the hospital and has led a relatively healthy and normal life for more than a year. I, more than anyone, know that everything can change in a minute. I, more than anyone, know that there will be more hospitalizations. That there will be more surgeries.

Because you don't really know anything about me, you can't possibly know what I think or what I feel or how I struggle with the life I've been given. I don't have the luxury to know what it's like to raise two healthy kids. I don't have the luxury to be blissfully ignorant about the future. I have never known--not even for five minutes--what it is like to be a mother without thinking that my son is going to die. And don't think that I don't know how all that knowledge makes all my frustrations and guilt that much more complex.

• Sad Medical Crisis'...

I specifically remember during one of PIC's hospitalizations that I was just constantly grateful that he was breathing, that his tiny body was still living, despite the massive trauma it had been though. I felt that way for several weeks after he was discharged too. And then one day, I got angry at him for something. I remember that moment as being profound because it meant that things were going back to normal. And that was a good thing.

Just because PIC has medical problems does not mean he gets a free pass. It does not mean that we'll never argue or disagree or that he'll never get on my nerves simply because I'm grateful he's alive. It doesn't work that way. I'm doing my best to treat him like a normal kid. To praise him no more and no less than a kid who has not had five heart operations. To punish him no more harshly or less harshly than his heart-healthy little brother. I'm doing my best to treat him as normally as possible. So that means I have the right to get annoyed with my kids and the mundane and repetitive part of parenting. It doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human.

Finally, thanks to everyone who offered support and advice. It has been a rough couple of weeks, but I'm taking steps to get out of this slump.

I'm tired of making the same snacks.
I'm tired of wiping up the same spills.
I'm tired of hanging up the same clothes.
I'm tired of washing the same diapers.

I'm just tired.

I'm tired of the bickering.
I'm tired of tripping over the same toys.
I'm tired of brushing other people's teeth.
I'm tired of wiping other people's butts.

I probably should be fired.

I'm tired of the monotony.
I'm tired of the no-end-in-sight.
I'm tired of the screaming.
I'm tired of hating my kids.

Isn't nurturing supposed to be hard-wired?

I can't remember why I craved this role.
I can't remember why that other life took such a toll.
I can't remember the last time they made me smile.
I hate that this life, this choice does not seem worth while.